Chicken Pastina

Since it's the season of the plague, I figured I'd shared a recipe that will batten down the hatches and keep your victims fed. So far, it has kept those in my house suffering the sickness from turning into zombies. (Note: This recipe does not guarantee safety from the Walking Dead.)

This recipe is also an homage to the memory of my Aunt Jay. Aunt Jay was notorious for, when any of her neices and nephews were ill, ensuring they got a jar of homemade pastina. Pastina soup is really just tiny pasta - either acini de pepe or sterlina - boiled in chicken broth. It was nothing special, and yet it was everything special. This one's for you, Jay-Jay.

Chicken Sterlina Soup
4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
3 boxes Progresso Chicken Broth
2 ribs celery, diced
4 carrots, diced
2 cups green peas
1 small box Sterlina pasta (the little stars!) or Acini de Pepe
1tsp chicken boullion
1 cup diced onion/shallots
2tbsp cheap white wine
4 tbsp butter
1 tbsp flour
Herb de Provence
Poultry Seasoning
Emeril's Essence
Salt
* All seasonings to taste, there's no real method to my madness
2 Bay Leaf

Directions:

1. Roast chicken breasts, sprinkled with seasonings of choice in the oven at 350 for 45 minutes to an hour, or until cooked through. Let cool, and then shred, slice, dice - however you want the chicken to be in the soup.
2. Meanwhile, get out your heavy soup pot (if you don't have one, get one) and melt the butter. Mix the wine, seasonings to taste, and onion or shallots. When the onions and shallots are clear and well mixed with the wine and butter, add the flour to make a roux. Let cook for one minute more. Whisk the broth slowly into the pot in a steady stream.
3. Add the vegetables,chicken and bay leaves and bring to a full boil; cover and let simmer on low for about 30 minutes or until the vegetables are tender.
4. Add the peas. Add the pastina, bringing it to a full boil again. Boil for fifteen minutes. Put the pot in the middle of the table and let the savages go wild.

Serves: 6-8, maybe more.

Apple Butt Turkey

Okay, so I'm cutting it short writing this the day before the Big Day. Thanksgiving is the National Holiday for this army, so I figured I had best post a few recipes for my faithful soldiers, toiling away before their stoves.

I've taken inspiration from a few different cooks on my Turkey recipe. Over the years I've perfected the process to deliver a turkey even my husband will take seconds on. (He doesn't like turkey, and bitches about not having ham every. single. year.) I only started brining my turkey last year; I found the brine that I concocted was far too salty, so this year we're using Alton Brown's brine.

For me, I've found the secret to a delicious turkey is simple: it's in the bag. Cook your turkey in a bag! Not only does it make for easy cleanup, it provides ample drippings for the gravy and stuffing (see previous recipes for those). It also leaves you free to handle your other dishes, because if your bird is in the bag, you don't have to baste it. If you don't want to cook it in the bag for whatever reason, that's fine too - this recipe will still work. Just baste it every so often to retain the juices.

Apple Butt Turkey
Serves: 4 really good eaters or 8 polite eaters
Nutritional Info: I have no idea.

Items:
12-16 lb. Turkey (I prefer hens, they taste better. Make sure you remove the plastic bag inside of giblets and innards and whatever else they put in there. My first year trying this, I left the bag inside and roasted the turkey. Oh the memories.)
4 cups Granny Smith apples, cut into large pieces (Don't worry about removing the seeds/stem/core. You're not going to eat the apples anyway.)
4 cups sweet onion, cut into large pieces
1 head elephant garlic, peeled into cloves
8 tbsp Butter, melted
8 tbsp Canola or Olive oil
1 tbsp fresh sage
1 tbsp fresh parsley
McCormick's Turkey Rub (Or you can make your own blend of spices)
Emeril's Essence
Black pepper
Salt

For the Brine:
Source: Alton Brown's Turkey Recipe
Note: I omitted the allspice berries and added garlic (of course) because I don't care for the flavor of allspice. Also, I don't use his aromatics. I find that cooking it within the bag and using the flavors I already include has always provided a great deal of flavor.

Okay, now comes the easy part. Follow the directions from Lord Alton on brining the turkey. On Thursday morning, rinse off your bird, pat it dry, and set it in your roasting pan with the wings tucked under. You can truss the legs if you feel the need; I never do.

Take your apples, onions, elephant garlic, parsley, and sage. Mix it all in a bowl until it's relatively mixed; you can add a touch of olive oil if you feel the need. Add black pepper and salt to taste. Promptly open up your bird's back end and cram it full of this mixture. For good measure, cram some down the neck too.

Once you've done this, you can put the extra out around the bird in the bag, if you want. Coat the bird liberally with the butter, either brushing it on or with your hands. Rub in your turkey rub, the black pepper if you like, and some Essence. Close the bag and secure it.

In a preheated 350-degree oven, place your bird. Have a meat thermometer ready to check for temp. The turkey is done when juices run clear, the legs move easily in their joint and the bird registers at 160 degrees internal temp. You can check this by inserting the thermometer in the thickest part of the thigh. Now, you CAN remove the bird from the bag before it's done cooking. I've done this and it's perfectly fine. When I do that, I simply brush the bird with butter and baste for a bit. It's still delicious. When the turkey is done, take it out and cover it with tented foil, allowing it to rest for awhile. While it's resting, draw off the drippings and reserve for gravy and dressing. Let your husband carve it so he feels like he did something to participate.

Steak Sandwiches for Non-Rich-Bitches

I keep promising this recipe for Steak Sandwiches and not delivering. It's been a year and a half now.

Let me explain why! When I set out to build this recipe, it was following an episode of Tyler Florence's show where he made steak panini. Now, don't get me wrong; his recipes are amazing. What is not amazing, however, is that when I added up the total just to make four sandwiches as he detailed, the cost was more than my monthly grocery budget.

So I thought, how could I make something equally delicious to this sandwich? There's got to be an easier way. I learned by developing my own recipe that the secret is all in the beef.

It doesn't hurt to throw it on a bigass loaf of french bread, either. This sandwich will serve two really hungry people, four not-as-hungry people, or six skinny-bitch-lying-to-the-world never hungry people.

Steak Loaf
2-3 pounds sirloin, tri-tip, or london broil beef - all that matters is that it's the one on sale
1 loaf fresh French Bread (Safeway puts out fresh bread at about 4-5 pm. So does Albertson's, but Albertson's is the devil and if you shop there you're dishonorably discharged from this army.)
1 head green leaf-lettuce or romaine, chopped
1 tomato, chopped
4 cups mozzarella
1 stick butter
1 head garlic, peeled and minced

For the Marinade:
1 small bottle or 1 cup red wine (if you cannot cook with wine for whatever reason, that's okay. Use italian dressing and use 1-2 tbsp red wine vinegar in its place. For what it's worth, the alcohol DOES cook off when using wine while cooking.)
1 bottle zesty Italian dressing OR 1 package Good Seasons Italian dressing made according to directions
3 tbsp Worcestershire Sauce
Garlic Powder
Fresh ground sea salt
Fresh cracked black pepper
Optional: Thyme, Bay Leaf, Horseradish, Au Jus

The day before:
Take whatever liquid you've chosen to use for your marinade - be it the dressing, the wine, or both - and put it in a sturdy ziploc bag. Take your cut of meat and work out some aggression - stab it all over with a fork. Place it in the bag. Seal, placing in the fridge to marinate up to two days. Turn it over a few times so you get all that juice in the meat.

Get to cookin'!:
Take your roast out and put in a roasting pan; give it a little love and massage in some of the marinade. Whisper sweet nothings. Combine the salt, pepper, garlic powder, and thyme if using and make a dry rub. Rub the powder into the meat liberally (this is your call on how much seasoning you want - just don't go overboard on the salt. Try different kinds of pepper, or more thyme, and there's never enough garlic powder). Place it in the oven and roast slowly for about an hour on 200-degrees. You could put it in the Crock Pot as well for a little while. The key is, DO NOT ROAST UNTIL DONE. You only want to brown it. If you had the time/inclination, you could brown it in a pan as well.

When the roast is nicely browned, starting slicing it up into thin pieces. When you have a big pile of sliced beef, arrange it in a single layer on a cookie sheet or in a roasting pan, whatever you have room for. Season again with your dry rub, this time just sprinkling, and crank up your oven to 350 degrees. As it roasts, occasionally toss a few pats of butter on the meat to keep it juicy. Alternately, you can use beef broth or Worchestershire sauce. Roast to desired doneness. I like ours medium-well, so about a half hour.

Take out your beef and let it rest. Cut your bread lengthwise in half and spread both sides with minced garlic and butter. Wrap in foil; place in 350 degree oven for ten minutes. Open up the loaf and liberally spread with mozzarella cheese, toasting beneath the broiler for five to ten minutes or until cheese is melted and bubbly. While your bread's doing that, take your lettuce and tomato and make a salad with either oil and vinegar or Italian dressing, your choice.

Assemble the sammich: Place steak all along one half. Put your salad on the other half, or serve to one side. Dish up the optional au jus and horseradish and cut the loaf into as many servings as you like. If you don't finish it, don't sweat it: It's even better the next day, re-grilled in a frying pan.

Glorious Return

Oh yeah, that's right.

We're back.

I don't have much of a recipe to post, since it's 6:14 AM. But I have a few in mind to post over the next few days that are going to blow your collective little minds. Part of me wanted to form a revolution and make the Army all about delicious, low-fat cooking - but then I realized that low fat cooking is disgusting and no Army of mine will contribute to torture. So expect lots of butter, lots of comfort foods and you guessed it, a metric shit ton of garlic.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Next recipe up: Steak Sandwiches, or how I learned to stop listening to Tyler Florence and saved a ton of money.

Gentle Readers

Dear friends,

If you are going to call my cell phone on a holiday (or any other day) and leave a frantic message about requiring immediate cooking assistance, it helps if you mention your name.

I'm talking to you, Amy. At least, I think I'm talking to you.

Return a phone call once in a while, woman!

Super Easy Pizza Pockets

Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking on recipes that would please little kids as well as adults. Luckily for me, I'm married to an adult that eats like a little kid, so the other day I thought this might be a good recipe: Super Easy Pizza Pockets.

This is great for a Friday night. We have a semi-tradition that on Fridays we have pizza, and lately I've been either making the pizza myself or making something pizza-themed. The other day in the shower (I get all my best ideas in the shower, who knew) I thought, hey, I bet I could take Pigs in a Blanket and use the same principle for pizza.

It turns out I was right. You can get creative with this recipe and do whatever pizza toppings you like. I like using string cheese for the cheese rather than shredded because it's neater, easier, and make a delicious melt inside the pocket.

I just want to make another note that if Pillsbury ever stopped making crescent rolls, I would be screwed because I use that dough for EVERYTHING.

Super Easy Pizza Pockets
Serves: 4-6 people, 2-3 pockets per person
Nutritional Info: Who cares?

The Basics:
2 tubes Jumbo Crescent Rolls
1 Package Mozzarella String Cheese
1 tiny can Hunt's Tomato Sauce
1 tiny can Hunt's Tomato Paste OR
1 jar Pizza Sauce, if you're lazy
Italian Seasoning, to taste
Pizza toppings - I used fresh thin-sliced pepperoni and bulk Italian Sausage.

Take your pepperoni and throw it in a pan, letting it brown a bit and crisp up. Cook on medium heat just until edges are brown. While you're doing that, cut your string cheese into little pieces as shown.


Put your pepperoni on a paper towel to drain off the fat, and use the same pan to brown your sausage. Break it up into smaller pieces as suitable for a pizza, as shown above.

Empty your sauce and paste into a small saucepan and heat on low heat, stirring frequently to keep it from browning. Add a dash of olive oil and Italian Seasoning blend to taste. If you'd rather, simply heat some premade pizza sauce.

Open your dough and spread them out on a cookie sheet, leaving the triangles of dough OPEN. Spread a layer of sauce onto the dough, and top with preferred toppings. You can cram as much as you like in them, it's okay if some spills out. Fold up the dough into a little pocket. It doesn't matter how you do it, just as long as most of the dough is holding in your filling. Repeat x 12.

Bake according to directions on the crescent rolls. If you like, brush melted butter and Parmesan on top in the last five minutes of baking. Pile up on a plate and serve, basking in your family's praise.

Chicken Littles and White Trash Risotto Pea-laf

I like to shop according to whatever is on sale at the market. Rachel Ray and all the other snobs on the Food Network might be able to afford eight dollar mushrooms and forty dollar cuts of beef, but come on. I got bills to pay!

So whenever I watch a cooking show, I say to myself, "huh. I wonder how I could trash that out a little." Which in my lexicon means, "to make something just as delicious with affordable substitutes".

It seems like they all make risotto. I think chefs latch on to whatever crap they think is trendy and then beat the recipe to death with a million different trendy adaptations. I mean, that's great and all, but I like making food with yummy staples that remains affordable, not gourmet art that "responds to a sophisticated palate". That's a fancypants way of saying "You'll think this tastes like shit if you don't know what food tastes like."

So what's my white trash risotto? It's easy. I make Rice-a-Roni and I put other stuff in it. You can add peas, other veggies, fresh herbs, you can add salsa and cheese if you want, even. Technically it's nothing like risotto, but if the yuppie chefs on the Food Network can put shit like cranberries and porcini mushrooms and wine in their "risotto", I can call my dish White Trash Risotto all I want, laughing all the way to the bank. Why, you ask? Because Rice-A-Roni is only a dollar-fifty per box.

Another thing to watch for at the store is Cornish Game Hens. They freeze well, are usually between 3-6 dollars per pack of two, and they're small enough that they can serve one hungry person or two not-so-hungry people. They're also great for kids, who think they're getting their own chicken. Don't correct them; if they think it's chicken they'll probably still eat it.

This is an easy roast hen recipe that requires minimal effort for the punch it packs on the table. My hens were so tender when I took them out to rest that one fell apart. I used the savory drippings to flavor my white-trash risotto, and added Steamfresh peas to the mix to make it a Pea-laf. Get it?! Pea-laf?!

Chicken Littles and White Trash Risotto Pea-laf

The basics:
Time: 1.5 Hours, start to finish
Serves: 2 hungry people or 4 not-so-hungry people
Nutritional Info: Who cares?

Ingredients:

2 Cornish Game Hens, rinsed and cavities empty
8 cloves garlic (Shut up, Amy)
4 tbsp Olive Oil
1 medium sized onion
1 carrot, sliced any which way you like
2 bay leaves
4 sprigs fresh thyme OR 1 tsp dried
2 sprigs rosemary OR 1/4 tsp dried
1 small handful fresh sage, snipped OR 2 tsp dried (I would recommend at least springing for the fresh sage, if not all the herbs)
Poultry Seasoning
Sea Salt
Fresh cracked black pepper
2 tbsp butter

Rinse your hens well and pat dry. Set aside. Spray a glass pan with nonstick cooking spray or use olive oil, or use a nonstick roasting pan. Cut your onion in half and reserve one half. Take your other half and all of the garlic and put in the food processor, adding the rosemary leaves and a healthy sprinkle of pepper and poultry seasoning. Pulse with enough olive oil to make a creamy, smooth paste.

Chop your other half-onion loosely and throw it in your pan with the carrots, sage, thyme, salt, pepper, and bay leaves. Drizzle oil over both hens to lightly cover the skin; cover with a liberal dose of salt, pepper, and poultry seasoning. Take your garlic-onion paste and stick it where the cornish sun don't shine. Cover with a loose foil tent and place in the oven at 350 degrees. Every half hour check the birds; baste with the juices in your pan or with chicken broth. In the last twenty minutes or so, place 1 tbsp butter directly on top of the hen breast. Hens are done when juices run clear, legs move freely and internal temperature is 180 degrees with a meat thermometer in the thickest part of the thigh.

Meanwhile, while your hens are roasting...

White Trash Risotto Pea-laf
Servings: 2-4
Time: 20 minutes
Nutritional Info: Who cares?

Ingredients:
1 box Rice-a-Roni, chicken flavor
2 tbsp butter or spread
1 cup fresh or frozen peas (Not canned. No. Bad.)
1-2 tbsp Drippings from roasted hens

Prepare Rice-a-Roni as per directions on the box. Once it's done, add the peas and the drippings, stirring well to coat the rice and vermicelli. Let it cook in for about five minutes and serve alongside your Chicken Littles.

Caramel Green Beans

I don't think people realize how delicious green beans can be. Why? Because they buy the shitty, mealy pieces of crap found in canned vegetables.

Look. Just buy fresh green beans. They're usually incredibly cheap and you can even find them in the frozen foods now. Bird's Eye Steamfresh line has them, and I'm a big fan of the Steamfresh line. Don't buy canned vegetables. Have some self respect!

This recipe evolved after my best friend and pseudo-big-sister Michelle made green beans. She wrapped a little handful of beans in a piece of bacon and put butter and brown sugar on top. We all agreed they were pretty good, but could be better.

Enter the inspiration for Caramel Green Beans.

They're not really covered in caramel, but they might as well be. Applewood smoked bacon and a glaze made from bacon drippings, dark brown sugar and butter practically turns these vegetables into a dessert. Try it; you won't be disappointed, and it's easier than hell to make.

Caramel Green Beans

1 pound fresh green beans, trimmed and rinsed (using canned green beans constitutes treason in this army)
1 cup dark brown sugar
1 cup butter
1/4 pound applewood smoked bacon (if you can't find this, get yourself some thick cut hickory smoked and marinate the bacon overnight in cinnamon and apple cider)

Dice up your bacon and throw it in a pan, frying it like you would normally fry bacon. Do not add garlic, for once. Drain the bacon on a paper towel, but leave the drippings and fat in the pan.

Arrange your beans in a casserole dish and toss with your bacon bits. In your bacon pan, add one cup dark brown sugar and one cup butter, stirring attentively to make a thick glaze. If you like, you can add a bit of maple syrup for shits and giggles. Once your glaze is nice and thick and the sugar and butter have become one, pour it all over your beans and bacon and toss them again. Throw them in the oven alongside your sweet potatoes (we'll make those tomorrow) at 400 degrees for roughly 20 minutes. You'll know they're done when your beans look brown, glistening and carmelized. Lie to your kids and say they are candy, enforcing vegetable eating for years to come.

Dressing Recipe and Caramel Green Beans

Well, that's the last time I set a schedule of a recipe a day. I'm too lazy.

On to the recipes!

I love stuffing. Stuffing, dressing, whatever you call it - it's delicious. But I like to keep things simple. A lot of people put sausage and fruit and nuts and all sorts of shit in their stuffing, and I can't stand that. I keep it real.

This is actually the recipe I learned from my Stepmom; she makes the best dressing on the planet. It's never too runny or too dry and it was always my favorite part of her holiday meals. The best part? It's the easiest thing you'll make for this feast.

Delectable Dressing

The basics:
This recipe will serve 4 smaller servings; double it for larger portions or for more people. If you run out of drippings, use more broth, it'll be okay.

1 box Stove Top chicken-flavored stuffing (or flavor of your choice)
1 box Progresso Chicken Broth
Drippings from your turkey, OR drippings from extra drumsticks
Sliced black olives
Sliced canned mushrooms (or sliced fresh cremini or white mushrooms), 1/2 cup (optional. I hate mushrooms but if you like them, rock on)
1/2 small onion, finely diced
1 rib celery, finely diced
Butter

Put a pat of butter in a saucepan with your diced onions and celery, giving them a good saute. Don't let them turn brown; just soften them up a bit. If you are using fresh mushrooms, saute these as well. You can always use some garlic, too! (I threw that in just to get Amy's attention.)

Follow the directions to make stove top..well, on the stove top, using as much drippings as you can in place of the water. Do not use water! If you don't have enough drippings, make up the difference with chicken broth.

Fluff your stuffing with a fork as per directions on the box. Add your onions, celery, olives, and mushrooms if using. Toss it all together and mix well, covering with foil to keep warm or throw it on the table if you're ready to eat.

This stuffing was really salty for me this year, but it was because I brined the turkey beforehand which led to saltier drippings, in my opinion. In this case, use low-sodium broth or you CAN use water if you're terrified of salty stuffing. In my opinion it's still the bee's knees.

Addendum

Oops!

I'm new to this writing-recipe-thing, and I realized last night I made a mistake. On the turkey gravy recipe, when you add the chicken brothe BEFORE your thickened mixture, you add the rest of the box of broth, not one cup. Before adding your thickened mixture, let it boil down and reduce a bit, otherwise you'll be trying to thicken it forever. Also, instead of using a food processor you can use a blender or mix the flour in briskly with a wire whisk. Have fun!

Double Shot: Addictive Turkey Gravy

I love double shots. A double shot recipe is one where you can do half the cooking for two different meals, getting a lot more bang for your buck. The great thing about this gravy is that A) You can make it with any poultry, and B) It makes an utterly delicious base for a chicken or turkey stew.

I think gravy scares the crap out of people, mostly because it seems like a difficult process. It's really not; all you have to do is ensure that your flour or cornstarch isn't in lumps. To do this, you can use a wire whisk, or you can do what I do - use a food processor or blender. As we all know, I'll find any way possible to pimp a food processor, and I've found making sauces in one makes for thick, creamy concoctions that can't be beat.

This gravy is time intensive, but definitely worth the effort. As stated before, you can certainly make it with another poultry besides turkey; it would be just as delicious with chicken or cornish game hen, for instance.

The Basics:
2 turkey wings and 2 drumsticks OR 4 drumsticks, whatever is cheaper
6 tbsp olive oil (Or enough to thoroughly coat the bottom of your stock pot)
2 tbsp butter
2 carrots, peeled and cut into chunks
2 ribs celery, diced
1 onion, quartered
2 cloves garlic, smashed
3-4 sprigs fresh sage OR 1 tsp dried sage
3-4 sprigs fresh thyme OR 2 tsp dried thyme (I would recommend springing for the fresh)
3-4 fresh parsley stalks
1 carton Progresso Chicken Broth
Poultry Seasoning
Salt, fresh black pepper

Start by taking your turkey pieces and coating them with the melted butter. You don't have to drown them, just enough to get the juices going once they're roasting. Coat liberally with the poultry seasoning, salt, and black pepper.

Coat stock pot with olive oil and a little butter, if you wish. Place your turkey inside and arrange the rest of the ingredients except the chicken broth inside. Roast for 10 minutes or so, turning your turkey pieces as they brown. If you don't have enough room in your pot for all four pieces, that's okay. Put two pieces in a glass dish and roast them separately, after coating the same as the other pieces. This is mostly to ensure you get enough drippings for your gravy.

After ten minutes, put half a cup of the chicken broth in the pot and put in the oven, covered, to roast at 350 degrees. Let it roast for about an hour, stirring it all up a few times to get the flavors to mix around.

Remove your turkey pieces once they're brown and juices run clear. Strip the meat from the bones and set the meat aside in a bowl. Add another cup of chicken broth and bring to a boil, stirring. Let it boil for about ten minutes and then take out a cup of your liquid and put it in your food processor. Take about a half-cup of your turkey meat and put it in the blender; add the onion and garlic from the stock pot as well. Add 2 tbsp of flour to start and process until smooth. If it's not as thick as you'd like, add a little more flour and repeat until desired consistency. Strain the liquid left in the stock pot to remove the solids left over and return your blended mixture to the pot, whisking it in with the rest. Repeat these steps until desired consistency, but keep in mind it will thicken up FAST on you, so don't go crazy with the flour. Let it simmer for about ten more minutes, stirring on low heat; use your chicken broth and flour alternately to thin or thicken your gravy. Make sure you stir it so the flour doesn't brown.

To make this into a soup or stew, warm it up in your soup pot, thin it to your desired consistency with chicken broth, and add whatever you'd like in the soup. Cook the meat before adding your leftover gravy in some chicken broth and poultry seasoning, letting it braise in the liquid before adding the thicker base. You can add anything you like; I like celery, carrots and peas to make a stew that tastes a lot like pot pie filling.

Turkey Gravy will be discussed tomorrow; I had a busy day! To reward my faithful audience for falling behind a day, I'll make the recipe into a double shot - two recipes from essentially one cooking session. Stay tuned!

Love,
The Crockpot Commando!

The Best Mashed Potatoes Ever

I almost missed the Potatoes Post! What a slackass.

I'm a big fan of potatoes. In fact, if it were up to me potatoes would be a mandated side dish to all meals, on pain of death for insubordination. Okay, not really. I just like potatoes, okay?

So I'm always on the lookout for new ways to make them, because let's face it, plain old baked can get pretty boring. Potatoes are sort of like your frumpy best friend; she wears mohair cardigans every day, even though she could totally pull off a red-hot sheath mini. Which leads me (somehow) to our recipe: The Best Mashed Potatoes Ever (Or TBMPE, to those in the know).

This recipe was developed from a base recipe by Tyler Florence. I like Tyler Florence. His recipes can be really delicious, but he has a habit all chefs have: he overcomplicates things. His recipe, Grainy Mustard Mashed Potatoes, is delicious except for one thing.

MUSTARD DOES NOT BELONG IN POTATOES.

Why would you ever ruin a perfectly good bowl of mashed potatoes by dumping in some Grey Popoun?! Why!? It practically made me want to scream "Oh, the humanity!"

So I adapted this recipe as I saw fit. Most of the credit still goes to Tyler, though, because these mashed potatoes are to die for. They are easy to dress up; you can definitely add bacon bits, cheese, chives, a number of things to dress it up a little. You can add anything, really.

Except mustard. There's just some lines you don't cross.

The Basics:
2 LBS whatever kind of potatoes you like, peeled (You can leave the peels on for Yukon Golds, Whites, New Potatoes, etc if you like)
2 cups whole milk
2 cups heavy cream
6 cloves garlic, smashed or pureed (Yes yes, yet more garlic)
2 Sprigs Thyme
2 tablespoons butter, plus extra to taste
1 Bay leaf

Throw everything in a pot together and heat over medium heat. Make sure you keep track of the bay leaf and the thyme sprigs so you can pick them out when done. Once the potatoes are tender, either strain them from the cream mixture (while reserving all the liquid!) or scoop them out to put in a mixing bowl. Slowly add the cream mixture to your desired consistency. The longer you whip the potatoes, the stiffer and thicker they will become due to the cream. Add as much butter, salt, and fresh cracked pepper as you like. Eat at least a few spoonfuls by yourself in the kitchen before anyone catches you. Don't forget to take out the bay leaf so you don't poison anyone, and try not to put the thyme sprigs into the mix. Some thyme will escape into the mix anyway, but it'll mostly be the little leaves and it adds a great flavor regardless. Enjoy!

Roast Beast Sammies

What’s this, you say? A recipe for sandwiches on a Thanksgiving menu?

Yeah, that’s right. Keep your panties on, I can explain.

It’s always been my opinion that if you’re in the kitchen cooking an enormous feast, you want to keep the masses satiated and in slathering anticipation of whatever you’re preparing. Therefore, whenever I am preparing an enormous meal, I prepare appetizers first.

Oh, the appetizer. The secret weapon of a true cook. If you’re a real fancy bitch, you can call them hors d’oeuvre or antipasto, which are just snobby European ways of saying “food you eat before the food gets here”. Appetizers can really be your best friend. I like to think that they were invented by a harried cook who was sick of people busting into her kitchen to whine about when the food would be ready. I like to think that instead of killing her guests in a spree of gore, she served some cold lamb slices on minted toast instead.

This is an extremely easy little appetizer that looks more impressive than it really is. It has a lot of customization – you can switch up the spread with, say, a pesto or a tapenade (that’s just mashed up olives) or you can change toppings around – cherry tomatoes and crisp romaine would look and taste great, as would roasted garlic or carmelized onions and peppers. The sky is the limit on how fancypants you want to get with this.

The basics:

1 pound high quality roast beef, like from a deli, OR 1 pound thinly sliced Eye of Round

2 cups Au Jus (You can get the packet to make this at the grocery store. I’m all about cheating.)

1 Loaf baguette-style French bread, (that long, narrow bread that makes the itty-bitty slices) sliced

8 oz. Cream Cheese – I use the whipped kind with chives, but you can use whichever flavor you enjoy. I recommend still using the whipped as it spreads easier. You could also roast some garlic to mix in with the cream cheese, it’s delicious.

8 oz. Sour Cream – Not fat free. We’re not here to stress about getting fat, we’re here to make kickass food.

1 jar prepared horseradish – Try to get a horseradish that looks sort of grainy; you don’t want the super-creamy kind for this

Seasoning Salt

Italian Dressing (optional)

1. This step is optional, depending on your preference and time constraints. The night before, take the roast beef and place it in a Ziploc bag; cover with Italian dressing and let it marinate in the fridge overnight.
2. Make Au Jus according to directions. Keep simmering over the stove. If you like garlic like I do, add a few cloves. Take your roast beef (drain off the marinade if you used it) and place in the Au Jus. Let it simmer on LOW heat for five to ten minutes, just long enough to soak in the flavor.
3. While your beef is simmering, arrange your bread slices on a tray and spread on your cream cheese.
4. Mix your horseradish, sour cream and seasoned salt in a small bowl to taste. Use less or more horseradish, depending on how hot you want it. If you do not like spicy food, be careful with your horseradish-to-cream ratio.
5. Remove the beef from the pan and cut or tear into small piles, appropriate to sit a generous amount on each slice of bread. You can try to make it look pretty if you want, but it won’t really matter because it tastes great and will look a bit rustic if it’s just a pile of beef.
6. Top as you wish. Place horseradish cream on the tray for people to dollop themselves, otherwise they’ll complain about how hot it is. If you wish, you can put out the hot Au Jus for dipping as well.

There you have it: A quick and stylish appetizer that’ll shut them up while you get on with the real grub.

How to make a gobble-worthy gobbler: Thanksgiving Done Right

Let's face it, there's really only one reason to cook a holiday meal: to show off.

This year it was my duty to cook Thanksgiving Dinner, as my in-laws were coming for the week to see the sprout. I began preparing for this meal in October; I had one objective in mind, and that objective was one all us domestic soldiers can understand:

I must beat the Mother In Law.

It's not that I don't love my MIL; I do. I love her a lot. But it's not love, it's cooking, and cooking is serious business. If you can prove you're a better cook than your MIL, your place is assured in honor and you earn bragging rights for life. So you see I had an important task ahead of me.

So this week, I will be presenting a menu for Thanksgiving, but it can easily be used for any holiday. This menu was MIL-tested and taste-approved. Any recipes I used from other chefs will be cited and linked, and the recipe here will include how I modified it to make it my own.

If you want to hear the words, "Son, you married a good cook", these are recipes essential to your battle royale. Some of them require some prep the night before, but if you're not committed to being a hardcore, knockdown cook, THIS IS NOT THE ARMY FOR YOU, SISSY. MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY THE BETTY CROCKER FROZEN DINNER ARMY.

Monday: Roast Beast Sammies
Tuesday: Best Mashed Potatoes Ever
Wednesday: Addictive Turkey Gravy
Thursday: Deceptively Easy Dressing
Friday: Caramel Green Beans
Saturday: Candied Sweet Potatoes with Marshmallow Crust
Sunday: Apple Butt Turkey