Apple Butt Turkey

Okay, so I'm cutting it short writing this the day before the Big Day. Thanksgiving is the National Holiday for this army, so I figured I had best post a few recipes for my faithful soldiers, toiling away before their stoves.

I've taken inspiration from a few different cooks on my Turkey recipe. Over the years I've perfected the process to deliver a turkey even my husband will take seconds on. (He doesn't like turkey, and bitches about not having ham every. single. year.) I only started brining my turkey last year; I found the brine that I concocted was far too salty, so this year we're using Alton Brown's brine.

For me, I've found the secret to a delicious turkey is simple: it's in the bag. Cook your turkey in a bag! Not only does it make for easy cleanup, it provides ample drippings for the gravy and stuffing (see previous recipes for those). It also leaves you free to handle your other dishes, because if your bird is in the bag, you don't have to baste it. If you don't want to cook it in the bag for whatever reason, that's fine too - this recipe will still work. Just baste it every so often to retain the juices.

Apple Butt Turkey
Serves: 4 really good eaters or 8 polite eaters
Nutritional Info: I have no idea.

Items:
12-16 lb. Turkey (I prefer hens, they taste better. Make sure you remove the plastic bag inside of giblets and innards and whatever else they put in there. My first year trying this, I left the bag inside and roasted the turkey. Oh the memories.)
4 cups Granny Smith apples, cut into large pieces (Don't worry about removing the seeds/stem/core. You're not going to eat the apples anyway.)
4 cups sweet onion, cut into large pieces
1 head elephant garlic, peeled into cloves
8 tbsp Butter, melted
8 tbsp Canola or Olive oil
1 tbsp fresh sage
1 tbsp fresh parsley
McCormick's Turkey Rub (Or you can make your own blend of spices)
Emeril's Essence
Black pepper
Salt

For the Brine:
Source: Alton Brown's Turkey Recipe
Note: I omitted the allspice berries and added garlic (of course) because I don't care for the flavor of allspice. Also, I don't use his aromatics. I find that cooking it within the bag and using the flavors I already include has always provided a great deal of flavor.

Okay, now comes the easy part. Follow the directions from Lord Alton on brining the turkey. On Thursday morning, rinse off your bird, pat it dry, and set it in your roasting pan with the wings tucked under. You can truss the legs if you feel the need; I never do.

Take your apples, onions, elephant garlic, parsley, and sage. Mix it all in a bowl until it's relatively mixed; you can add a touch of olive oil if you feel the need. Add black pepper and salt to taste. Promptly open up your bird's back end and cram it full of this mixture. For good measure, cram some down the neck too.

Once you've done this, you can put the extra out around the bird in the bag, if you want. Coat the bird liberally with the butter, either brushing it on or with your hands. Rub in your turkey rub, the black pepper if you like, and some Essence. Close the bag and secure it.

In a preheated 350-degree oven, place your bird. Have a meat thermometer ready to check for temp. The turkey is done when juices run clear, the legs move easily in their joint and the bird registers at 160 degrees internal temp. You can check this by inserting the thermometer in the thickest part of the thigh. Now, you CAN remove the bird from the bag before it's done cooking. I've done this and it's perfectly fine. When I do that, I simply brush the bird with butter and baste for a bit. It's still delicious. When the turkey is done, take it out and cover it with tented foil, allowing it to rest for awhile. While it's resting, draw off the drippings and reserve for gravy and dressing. Let your husband carve it so he feels like he did something to participate.

Steak Sandwiches for Non-Rich-Bitches

I keep promising this recipe for Steak Sandwiches and not delivering. It's been a year and a half now.

Let me explain why! When I set out to build this recipe, it was following an episode of Tyler Florence's show where he made steak panini. Now, don't get me wrong; his recipes are amazing. What is not amazing, however, is that when I added up the total just to make four sandwiches as he detailed, the cost was more than my monthly grocery budget.

So I thought, how could I make something equally delicious to this sandwich? There's got to be an easier way. I learned by developing my own recipe that the secret is all in the beef.

It doesn't hurt to throw it on a bigass loaf of french bread, either. This sandwich will serve two really hungry people, four not-as-hungry people, or six skinny-bitch-lying-to-the-world never hungry people.

Steak Loaf
2-3 pounds sirloin, tri-tip, or london broil beef - all that matters is that it's the one on sale
1 loaf fresh French Bread (Safeway puts out fresh bread at about 4-5 pm. So does Albertson's, but Albertson's is the devil and if you shop there you're dishonorably discharged from this army.)
1 head green leaf-lettuce or romaine, chopped
1 tomato, chopped
4 cups mozzarella
1 stick butter
1 head garlic, peeled and minced

For the Marinade:
1 small bottle or 1 cup red wine (if you cannot cook with wine for whatever reason, that's okay. Use italian dressing and use 1-2 tbsp red wine vinegar in its place. For what it's worth, the alcohol DOES cook off when using wine while cooking.)
1 bottle zesty Italian dressing OR 1 package Good Seasons Italian dressing made according to directions
3 tbsp Worcestershire Sauce
Garlic Powder
Fresh ground sea salt
Fresh cracked black pepper
Optional: Thyme, Bay Leaf, Horseradish, Au Jus

The day before:
Take whatever liquid you've chosen to use for your marinade - be it the dressing, the wine, or both - and put it in a sturdy ziploc bag. Take your cut of meat and work out some aggression - stab it all over with a fork. Place it in the bag. Seal, placing in the fridge to marinate up to two days. Turn it over a few times so you get all that juice in the meat.

Get to cookin'!:
Take your roast out and put in a roasting pan; give it a little love and massage in some of the marinade. Whisper sweet nothings. Combine the salt, pepper, garlic powder, and thyme if using and make a dry rub. Rub the powder into the meat liberally (this is your call on how much seasoning you want - just don't go overboard on the salt. Try different kinds of pepper, or more thyme, and there's never enough garlic powder). Place it in the oven and roast slowly for about an hour on 200-degrees. You could put it in the Crock Pot as well for a little while. The key is, DO NOT ROAST UNTIL DONE. You only want to brown it. If you had the time/inclination, you could brown it in a pan as well.

When the roast is nicely browned, starting slicing it up into thin pieces. When you have a big pile of sliced beef, arrange it in a single layer on a cookie sheet or in a roasting pan, whatever you have room for. Season again with your dry rub, this time just sprinkling, and crank up your oven to 350 degrees. As it roasts, occasionally toss a few pats of butter on the meat to keep it juicy. Alternately, you can use beef broth or Worchestershire sauce. Roast to desired doneness. I like ours medium-well, so about a half hour.

Take out your beef and let it rest. Cut your bread lengthwise in half and spread both sides with minced garlic and butter. Wrap in foil; place in 350 degree oven for ten minutes. Open up the loaf and liberally spread with mozzarella cheese, toasting beneath the broiler for five to ten minutes or until cheese is melted and bubbly. While your bread's doing that, take your lettuce and tomato and make a salad with either oil and vinegar or Italian dressing, your choice.

Assemble the sammich: Place steak all along one half. Put your salad on the other half, or serve to one side. Dish up the optional au jus and horseradish and cut the loaf into as many servings as you like. If you don't finish it, don't sweat it: It's even better the next day, re-grilled in a frying pan.

Glorious Return

Oh yeah, that's right.

We're back.

I don't have much of a recipe to post, since it's 6:14 AM. But I have a few in mind to post over the next few days that are going to blow your collective little minds. Part of me wanted to form a revolution and make the Army all about delicious, low-fat cooking - but then I realized that low fat cooking is disgusting and no Army of mine will contribute to torture. So expect lots of butter, lots of comfort foods and you guessed it, a metric shit ton of garlic.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Next recipe up: Steak Sandwiches, or how I learned to stop listening to Tyler Florence and saved a ton of money.